hey...
I know its been a while since I wrote anything...but I felt inspired to type something on this hot spring evening.
I was going through my messages on facebook tonight, thinking about all the time and energy I wasted on so many girls in my past... then I changed my perspective on it. That wasn't time wasted - it was all really just lessons learned the hard way.
Its been 6 months today (i think) since I last spoke with her. She was a train wreck and I'm grateful to have escaped with anything at all. Treading that path was tough for me... and I know she still thinks about me sometimes too, and how much she fucked up and how much I fucked up... but girls are humans too.
I'm blessed to have the guts and favor to move on, unlike my brother and cousin who are haunted by the toxicity of dysfunctional love...but I ain't gon lie, it still calls me sometimes, lol.
I'm so slow to trust now, it's ridiculous, lol. Nothing new is really added that sticks... I can allow myself to feel again after such time, but I'm so cautious...
Miss Feb 14th, an ode and a toast to you and your finesse... I'm sorry I couldn't be what you needed me to be and I'm sorry you weren't ready when I was finished counting down from seven....
Speaking of seven - completion - I'm heavily pursuing modeling now - I am in contact with scouts from Red, Click, Soul, Request, Wilhelmina and Ford, all in New York.
I met him. I gained his trust. I showed him who I was, the good and the bad... the honest and the liar...and he captured that. Raised to understand the the devile himself has blue eyes, I trust his bleu eyes for some reason. I am going to make it without compromising myself. Selah.
I miss her, and it sucks that it had to be this way, but it did. For the longest, I would think about picking up the phone and calling her to try and reconcile, but Allah had his hands on me. Allah reminded me of all of the pain and loss and suffering I went through because of her wrecklessness. He retinged the heartache from the episodes of distrust and lies. He recalled my actions and inactions that ushered me to that crucial point where I wanted to look back and calmed me with the story of Santiago.
I live a great life. Maybe one day, we'll be something again, but then again - maybe not. :-) and I'm perfectly fine with that.
Til then, my corner is occupied and my time is bound by more important things.
Selah. We gon' make it...
I think it's common to have that person from your past who messed up drastically to a point where you're thankful to have walked away unscathed. I just escaped a toxic situation where the guy contributed nothing (literally), but wanted to mentally control me and mold me into someone that I could never be.
ReplyDeleteNonetheless, I share your thoughts on the ability to trust another person after everything endured previously. It's like people try to approach you and you consider giving them a chance, but the hell of that relationship scars you to a degree that a true healing and self-rediscovery process. Also, like you, such a relationship allowed me to resume focus on the things that I want out of life.
Overall, I'm glad that things have progressed greatly for you. You seem like you're a good person with an incredibly bright future ahead of you. Best of luck in all endeavors. :)